


Confessions of The Human Secretary

by niixna, sh_04e



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Best Friends, Boss/Employee Relationship, Crack, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Platonic Relationships, Slice of Life, Slow Build, This is crack, kagami is human, kuroko is human, there are no pairings but it highlights on akashi and kuroko's relationship as boss and employee, this is not yaoi, vampire and humans live together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-02 12:24:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4059880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niixna/pseuds/niixna, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sh_04e/pseuds/sh_04e
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my first collab with Nina. She came up with an AU where vampires, dhampirs and humans lived together ‘harmoniously’. Sounds cliche right? Well, we decided to go for a little twist. It’s platonic akakuro and the fic revolves around Kuroko's daily life working with his vampire coworkers~ </p><p>WARNING: Akashi is a dork. Most vampires are actual dorks. This is half crack.</p><p>[PLEASE DELETE WHATEVER VAMPIRE TROPES YOU HAVE BEFORE READING (except them drinking blood and having sharp canines)]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Volume 1 - Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Each 'Entry #No.' = Different day at work for Kuroko

## Entry #1

_My name is Kuroko Tetsuya._

_The interview went well. If it even passes as an interview anyway._

_Someone will read this someday. And to you, all I have to say is, w_ _hen someone offers you a job as a secretary to the most powerful vampire on Earth, no matter how good the pay is, don’t take it._

 

 

* * *

 

 

The building was too big. Everything had unnecessary space in between them. Kuroko was irritated by the stark emptiness of the place. It reminded him how wealthy the vampires were and how extravagant they liked to be. Surely they didn't need to express their wealth in such a manner. Then again, Kuroko couldn't blame the extra space if every vampire were unintentionally claustrophobic. Maybe they liked space. Did vampires really needed the large work space?

Kuroko was so deep in thought, he had almost forgotten he was in the presence of 'The Second', the assistant to the company owner. It was an atrocious title that even the vampire himself scowled at when Kuroko referred him as such. The vampire had cleared his own throat and looked away, saying "Midorima is fine."

Maybe vampires hated hierarchy. Anyway, that was about all Midorima had said before he gestured Kuroko to follow him. 

Midorima was interesting at least. What he lacked in 'words', his hair definitely made up for it. It's green. And no, Kuroko knew it wasn't a wig or dyed like how some humans fancied cosplaying characters, it was actual green. And his fingers were taped. Kuroko would suggest getting gloves but he did not know if he was in a position to speak so casually with the highly ranked vampire. So Kuroko kept his mouth shut and allowed Midorima to lead him around. On the elevator though, the trip to the fortieth floor allowed them to make some talk. 

The vampire spoke first, “Kuroko Tetsuya.”

“Yes?”

The vampire adjusted his glasses with his taped fingers, “We’ve been looking for a human to fill this spot for years.” he eyed Kuroko in a more-or-less non-threatening manner. 

Taking the cue as his freedom of speech, Kuroko nodded slightly, “Coming from a vampire, that must be a very short time.”

Midorima looked slightly amused with his half smile, “You could say that. No one wants this job urgently. Not when it’s with _him_.”

Kuroko didn't miss the punctuation directed to the director of the company, “Yet here I am.”

“He’s not particularly fond of humans but he needs to engage business with them sooner or later. We’re not the only race on this planet.”

That’s true. Vampires, dhampirs and humans all roamed the planet. It was surprising how accepting everyone was of each other. After centuries of living separately, they suddenly merged into one. There weren’t any major conflicts or initiatives of war. However, they weren’t exactly comfortable with each other. Humans still feared the blood suckers.

Out of genuine courtesy, the vampires slowly accepted regular food and managed to restrain their diet of blood to only consume it once a month. Yet the humans still held overwhelming fear in their hearts. Thus, Akashi Seijuurou, charming businessman and also a pureblood vampire, found it difficult to even deal with the humans.

Everyone knew him, respected him, and some worshiped him. Thus, to further lessen the strain between his kin and the half-breeds and humans, he decided to break tradition and hire a human into his company.

This human, was Kuroko Tetsuya.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The interview turned out to be the short conversation he had with Midorima. The vampire had simply remarked "He's not nosy and his attitude should compliment you." before he left Kuroko with Akashi and exited back to his desk outside the Akashi's office.

Kuroko tilted his head slightly at Akashi's indifferent manner towards his presence. He eventually cleared his throat, “From today onwards, I will be your secretary, sir. I would prefer to be addressed as Kuroko if you do not mind. May I know my job prospect?”

The so-called fearsome leader of the vampires was just sitting on his chair, staring at Kuroko with a book in his hand, ‘How to Interact With Humans 101′, a book written as a joke by a famous human author but unfortunately it was taken seriously and became a top seller within days of its publication. 

Akashi nodded, “I’ll call you Kuroko then. I like the ‘sir’. Is that a human habit towards vampires?”

“....no. That’s just my expression of respect towards you.”

Akashi knitted his eyebrows, “Humans are so complicated... No vampire has ever addressed me with ‘sir’.” The vampire’s eyes widened as something clicked in his head, “Does that mean none of them respect me?”

Kuroko wanted to slap the guy already. No wait, that was his boss.

“No, sir. Perhaps your kin has a different perspective of addressing their superiors.”

“They call me ‘Akashi’”

Think Kuroko think.

“Well perhaps they seek a deeper bond with you.”

“They want me to notice them?”

How the hell was this vampire even real? It was like a bad joke of the 'Notice me senpai' meme. Kuroko would laugh if it was a genuine joke but no, Akashi was asking him earnestly. 

“Yes. That could be a possible theory.”

Akashi looked somewhat satisfied and smug at the fact that his workers wanted to bond with him. How idiotic was this supreme leader?

“I read that humans shake hands when they meet. Shall we shake hands to christen our first meeting?”

Who even says things like that? 'Christen our first meeting'? Kuroko suddenly imagined Akashi asking a lover 'Shall we christen our love nest?' on the night of his wedding and the human had to hold back a smile. 

Kuroko cleared his throat, “Yes, why not?”

Akashi stood up and held his hand out, “What an honor it must be to be the first human to touch my hand.”

Kuroko held in the urge to roll his eyes. When he shook Akashi’s hand, the vampire actually looked to his side where the book was wide open on the table.

He squinted his eyes a little and said, “It’s...nice...to...meet you.. insert name here. Oh. It’s nice to meet you, Kuroko.”

Okay. Maybe it was a little cute. Kuroko smiled helplessly, “It’s nice to meet you too, sir.”

 

 

* * *

 

## Entry #27

_Vampires don’t know anything about humans. I’m not even kidding. They know nothing. At all. Nil. Nein._

_I want to quit this job._

 

 

* * *

 

Kuroko entered Akashi’s office to find his superior shirtless, standing directly below the powerful air conditioner.

With a straight face on, Kuroko questioned “Sir, what are you doing?”

“I am trying to experience what you humans call... a cold.” Akashi closed his eyes as the cold air brushed over his skin. 

“It doesn’t work that way.”

“Will dousing myself in rain water work?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“A cold is a scientific phenomena that is not always caused by coldness or rain water. Why do you want to experience a cold anyway? 

“The sensation of a sneeze is described so interestingly. Have you ever sneezed before?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So unfair.”

Kuroko took the discarded white dress shirt on Akashi’s chair and gave it a little brush. He walked towards the half naked vampire and held the shirt open to assist Akashi into it.

“I’m not sure if your body’s metabolism will allow you to experience a ‘cold’, sir.” 

Akashi looked disappointed, “What a shame.”

As the vampire buttoned himself up, he turned to Kuroko with a straight face, “Let’s go under the rain.”

“Did you not hear what I just said?”

“I’ll take my chances.”

“Why- ....” Kuroko stopped his question midway just to let out a soft sneeze. He too was standing underneath the cold aircond after all.

“Forgive me for that impolite gesture.”

“..no...no.. It’s fine.”

Kuroko was stunned for a while. Akashi’s pupils were round and filled with endless curiosity. Having to see a human sneeze up close was enough to trigger that child-like look from him again.

That was when Kuroko realized that vampires weren’t stupid. They simply never took the time to properly ‘see’ a human. They never understood the human race.

 

 

* * *

 

## Entry #28

_I guess I’ll stay. I still have a lot to teach him. I haven’t even started. I’ll do my best from here on._

 

 

* * *

 

“Kuroko, do humans cry when other people die?”

“I guess that depends.”

“What if....it’s your sister?”

Kuroko wondered what brought the topic up in Akashi’s head. Then again, Akashi was always thinking about the humans and he could come up with a new question in a split second.

“Of course I would cry. She is my loved one.”

Akashi frowned like he always did when he failed to understand any of the human concepts thrown to his face, “But death is inevitable. You know that you would die right after your birth. Why must you shed tears for a phenomenon expected to happen?”

“I suppose it’s due to the bond I have with them. I cannot really explain it due to my lack of siblings.”

“I don’t have any either. Maybe that’s why I can’t relate.”

Kuroko watched Akashi get back to his book. Curiosity piqued Kuroko this time when he asked, “Sir, may I inquire something.”

“Sure.”

“Why do you actually want me here? If it were learning about the humans, I’m sure you could learn it in a day on your own. Also, my presence here doesn’t seem to be as a secretary.”

Akashi turned to look at Kuroko from his seat. Kuroko was always standing beside his desk. He was always there to answer any and every question Akashi had about the human race.

That was why Akashi willingly answered, “I’m...watching. You humans have such short lives. But because of that, you get to enjoy more than we do. You’re here to prove that to me. Also, your job is being handled by my assistant. However, you are still my secretary as long as I say you are.”

Kuroko could not quite get his head wrapped around the idea of his job but at least he didn’t have to handle calls or appointments.

“I understand, sir.”

Akashi smiled out of satisfaction. He liked it when he was on the same page with his human secretary.

“Kuroko.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Tomorrow I’ll excuse myself from the office. So will the whole building. It’s the feasting date for us.”

“I see. Shall I actually ‘do’ my job then?”

“Yes. I’ll let Shintarou fill you in later.”

“Alright.”

“Kuroko.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Why do you humans not like the taste of blood?”

Kuroko blatantly replied, “It’s viscous, smells of rusted metal and probably tastes like it too.”

The secretary held in the urge to laugh as Akashi made the most offended face Kuroko will ever be given the opportunity to see.

 

 

* * *

 

## Entry #72

_Annual leave is normal. Usually its two to three days for us humans in normal jobs._

_Apparently vampires get 2 years of leave in a decade. And they can take it in one shot._

 

 

* * *

 

Kuroko stared at his screen with his fingers tapping on the desk. He had recently been promoted to an actual secretary and he shared work space with Midorima.

Midorima was not a very out-spoken vampire. He was diligent in his work and shared a very professional relationship with everyone. At least that was what outsiders would think.

“Midorima, there’s a bump in the records.”

The green-haired vampire leaned over Kuroko’s chair and stared at the desktop screen.

He shook his head and his voice was laced with distress, “Akashi is not gonna like that.”

“It must have happened when the Hamachi corporation failed to meet the expected quota last month.”

“Akashi prefers a smooth progress line. Is there any way to erase the bump from our records?”

Kuroko lifted his finger and placed it on the screen, over the small red hill in the data, “If we cover it like this when Akashi comes to check, we won’t get in trouble.”

“KUROKO STOP PLAYING AROUND!”

Suddenly, the elevator jingle played in the distance, signalling that somebody had arrived on the fortieth floor.

“.....midorimacchii..!!!!!” said a distant voice. 

Midorima deadpanned, “Oh no.”

“What’s wrong?” Kuroko asked with a tilted head.

“They’re back.”

The best part about what happened next was how Midorima just accepted his fate of being pounded by a lightning fast yellow blob.

Kuroko watched as a blonde vampire pounced on the green head like they were best friends. Maybe they were.

“Midorimacchi!! We missed you!!”

“KISE GET OFF ME!”

Maybe not.

Midorima was desperately trying to get the other vampire off him but the blonde did not relent. Then, another voice was heard.

“Yo Midorima. Got ya some stuff you might like. And the big guy packed some sweets too.”

This vampire had tanned skin and dark blue hair. Kuroko could tell, these vampires were strong, just like Midorima and Akashi. They were purebloods.

Once Midorima finally managed to stand up again, he brushed himself and sighed, “Welcome back.”

Both returning vampires smiled. That was when the blonde one noticed Kuroko.

“Oh? A new worker?”

The tanned vampire’s eyes widened in rage, “..A human..?!”

Before Kuroko could say anything, Midorima shielded him, “He’s our secretary. Akashi hired him while you two were away and he’s been doing a good job. I rather you two not scare him off. Akashi will not be pleased.”

Kuroko stood up and moved to place himself beside Midorima. It was never in him to stand behind a vampire. He had as much right as any of them. He didn’t need to be protected.

“My name is Kuroko Tetsuya. I am not certain who you two are or where you have been but welcome back. I hope we get along.”

“Wow, he has manners.” spoke the blonde vampire.

“And he stood up to us! I like him already. Name’s Aomine Daiki.”

The other vampire lifted his hand in a friendly manner, “I’m Kise Ryouta!”

“It’s nice to meet you, Aomine, Kise. And I would like to know where you two have been. I’ve been working for about two and a half months and I’ve never even heard of you two.”

Midorima chuckled, “They just came back from their 2-year tour around the world.”

“2 years?”

Aomine shrugged, “Meh, it was ok. Next decade, we’re just gonna go to New Zealand. We like it there most. The big guy has free food there too.” 

Kuroko whispered to Midorima, inquiring further about Aomine and Kise’s leave. Since both the returning vampires heard him, they explained themselves of the leave they had taken. And that was when Kuroko discovered the ‘leave’ a vampire could claim in a decade.

As they made small talk, the door to the main office opened, making all of them turn to look.

“Kuroko, are you bus- Ah. Daiki, Ryouta. Welcome back.”

Kuroko will never forget how Kise and Aomine’s face lit up at seeing Akashi again after two years. They weren’t so different from the humans after all when it came to friendship.

 

 

* * *

 

## Entry#99

_I cannot believe my coworkers sometimes._

_Who am I kidding? I don’t trust them at all._

_Last week, they set me up to go downstairs and I was almost- Nevermind. AND TODAY IT HAPPENED AGAIN_

 

 

* * *

 

“Kuroko, can you deliver this to the tenth floor please?” 

The human secretary eyed Midorima curiously, “Official papers?”

Midorima nodded sluggishly, “Yes. This isn’t like last time. We will abide to your contract policy as best as we can.”

“Alright, I believe you. Who do I send this to?”

“Table 10, Munechika.”

Kuroko bowed politely and left for the elevator.

Not more than 20 seconds after Kuroko left, Akashi exited his office with his eyes wide and anxious, “Shintarou, where is he?”

“I sent him downstairs.”

“You whAT?”

Midorima took a while to register the heightened panic in his superior’s voice. 

“Not again...” groaned the vampire. Midorima picked up the telephone and connected himself to Aomine directly, “Code Red on 10th floor”

**_“I ALREADY AM on the 10th floor! Why the fuck did you send him down here?!”_ **

“Unwise decision on my part.”

**_“No shit sherlock! Get on the speakers already!”_ **

As Aomine practically knocked out 10 vampires and carried Kuroko to safety, the building received Midorima’s polite warning,  _ **“For the last time, please DO NOT try to eat our human secretary Kuroko Tetsuya. Refusal to abide to this law will lead to the consequences of suspension or decapitation depending on the degree of injury inflicted.** ”_


	2. Volume 1 - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akashi is so precious. Everyone is precious. You are precious too. Have fun reading~!

## Entry #133

_Just went grocery shopping with the big man. It was interesting._

_I swear he’s never eaten human food before._

_New name for him: The Tofu Devil._

 

* * *

 

“Kuroko, I need your help with the preparations for the Himuro dealings. Would you mind staying over at my domain?”

“Sir, we much prefer the term ‘house’ or simply ‘my place’. No, I do not mind.”

Kise who was in the president’s office, gave Akashi his pitiful face, “Akashicchi~! Kurokocchi hasn’t even been working here for a year and you’re already inviting him to your house?!” 

“Unlike you or Daiki, I believe Kuroko would not destroy the house over who gets to change the channel on my television.” Akashi stood up from his chair, “Whether you approve or not, Kuroko is coming to  _my place_.” 

Kuroko nearly facepalmed at how proud Akashi looked over his new usage of words. 

 

* * *

 

Inviting a human over meant Akashi had to serve Kuroko human food. By the end of the day, Akashi admitted into not knowing what would be viable for Kuroko to eat at his house seeming that he had nothing edible.

“We’ll need to go grocery shopping first then.” Kuroko pointed out as he walked side by side his superior.

Akashi unlocked his vehicle just as he reached it, “There is a human food shop near my living quarters.”

“Sir, it’s called supermarket.”

“Why is that so?”

The question went unanswered. After a quiet drive, Akashi parked outside the supermarket and tailed after Kuroko who most likely had the upper hand in the situation.

Once they entered the supermarket, Akashi stopped and slowly analyzed the variety of source of food humans consumed, “....so this is why... Such an amazing array of human delicacies...”

Kuroko took a basket and pulled his dazed superior with him. 

It was almost like bringing a child. But worse.

“Kuroko, explain to me again. You put these bag of dried corn into the square heating device and it will turn into the yellow goodness shown on the front?”

“Yes, they’re called Instant Popcorn. People like to eat them while watching movies.”

“What about these colored water?”

“They’re simply bottled drinks containing flavor. Some are carbonated.”

The frozen food aisle was the worst.

“This is amazing..! After thawing out these delicacies or deep frying them, we would have a decent human meal.”

 _‘Thank you, Captain Obvious.’_  Kuroko thought to himself.

“Kuroko, look. Even this round bread with tomato sauce and chunks of meat can be stored for future reheating and consumption!”

“Pizza, sir. It’s frozen pizza.”

Akashi stared at Kuroko with the box of frozen pizza in his hand.

Kuroko stood and kept his ground, “....”

He lost.

“..Fine. You can try one frozen pizza. Choose your flavor wisely.”

When Kuroko took the basic protein like chicken and beef, Akashi became puzzled.

“What do you humans do with them specifically?”

“We prefer to braise them or cook them, stuff them, bake them, anything as long as it isn’t raw.”

Kuroko was picking the third plastic-wrapped chicken thigh when Akashi suddenly grabbed his wrist, “No.”

“..sir?”

“That isn’t fresh. I do not know much about the human digestive system but I fear for your well being if you were to consume that.”

The vampire leaned towards the freezer and quietly chose another chicken piece. He then placed it in the basket Kuroko was still carrying.

“Is that all, Kuroko?”

Kuroko was still a bit shocked at Akashi’s sudden defensive mode towards him but the human brushed it off, “Yes, sir. Unless there is anything else you might want to add?”

Akashi glanced towards the vegetable section behind him, “I saw an interesting vegetable earlier.”

“You can show me. I can try to make something out of it.”

Kuroko could not believe what Akashi wanted at the vegetable section. Freaking tofu. The fresh tofu in white blocks, placed neatly beside each other.

“What are these?”

“This, is tofu, sir. They’re made out of soybeans.”

“What a strange name. Could we purchase some?”

“I suppose I can make tofu soup out of them.” Kuroko called one of the workers nearby and pointed to the blocks of curd, “Three please.”

 

* * *

 

Kuroko would never expect Akashi’s house to be so.... fully furbished? It had bedrooms, toilets, well-equipped kitchen, huge living room, a swimming pool(?) and all of it on top of a huge property of land.

Kuroko was given full access to every room since Akashi had nothing to hide and he wanted his first human guest to feel as welcomed as possible.

“Sir, may I use your kitchen?”

“Of course. Can I assist?”

“Yes.”

Three broken plates and two bent knives later, Akashi was forbidden from his own kitchen.

Akashi sat obediently outside the sliding door and listened to the alternative sound of chopping knives on cutting boards, squished potatoes under the stone pestle in a solid mortar (all utensils courtesy of his parents’ human interior designer) and the aromatic smell that started wafting around the house.

The vampire had forgotten when he was last excited to actually eat. Vampires didn’t have much of a diet. Blood satisfied them for months. However, after Kuroko mentioned about blood tasting like rusted metal, Akashi started to.. rethink his diet. The human wasn’t wrong. (Yes, Akashi sampled a rusted metal)

Akashi just never tasted anything else than blood. He didn’t know what would or wouldn’t satisfy him. But he swore, something smelled really  _really_  good.

When he could no longer stand waiting, Akashi entered the kitchen himself. Kuroko gave him a stern look to which Akashi replied by lifting his hands and shaking his head. He just wanted to see is all.

While Kuroko was busy chopping something else, Akashi walked around the kitchen, eyeing the dishes that were already set aside. The dishes were so vibrant and upclose, gave out an even stronger aroma.

Akashi didn’t know what he was feeling but his abdomen felt strange. The vampire circled the kitchen and peeked over Kuroko’s shoulder. The smell was strongest there, over the boiling tofu soup on the stove Kuroko was working on.

Awkwardly, an unfamiliar sound erupted from the same cramped up place in the vampire’s stomach.

Kuroko’s stirring hand paused and he slowly turned to his superior.

Akashi locked eyes with his human secretary, “....what was that?”

“That would be your stomach growling, sir.”

The vampire picked up a nearby knife and swung it in the air.

Kuroko managed to let out a frustrated sigh before he turned off the stove, and immediately stopped his idiotic vampire boss from trying to stab his own hungry stomach.

“THERE IS AN ANIMAL GROWLING IN MY LOWER ABDOMEN”

“NO SIR THERE IS NO ANIMAL IN THERE PLEASE PUT THE KNIFE DOWN”

No work or discussion was done that night in the Akashi household but Kuroko did manage to see his superior genuinely enjoy human food. Also, Akashi finished the tofu soup alone. Kuroko swore he made enough soup for 20 servings.

 

* * *

 

## Entry #212

_Looks like the tofu devil finally downloaded apps in his phone. I regret teaching him that._

 

* * *

 

“Kuroko, why are you not following me?”

“Sir?”

“My Tumblr. And my Twitter. Actually, you’re not my friend on Facebook either. Why is this?”

Kuroko placed down the paperwork onto Akashi’s desk, “Well… There’s a barrier between our kind. An unspoken rule that we don’t actually mingle on any social media.”

Akashi smiled, “That’s nonsense. Come, share with me your social media pseudo names.”

The human secretary froze. _‘What kind of torment will I undergo if I agree to this?’_

“Kuroko, don’t keep me waiting too long.”

“Sir, may you be so kind as to tell me what exactly will you do with them afterwards?”

“Simple. You follow me back, and also accept all future friend requests and followers from my kin.”

“I refuse.”

Instead of being angry or upset, Akashi put his phone aside and entwined his fingers together. With a small pout and puppy eyes, the vampire begged, “Puh-lease?”

Kuroko actually covered his eyes to avoid further second-hand embarrassment, “Please stop, sir.”

“I learned it yesterday morning on a vibrant human television show. Is it working?”

_‘He watched a freaking kids show. Why do I still work for this man?’_

Kuroko lifted his hand and his shoulders sagged in defeat. What choice did he really have?

“Will you give me your accounts?”

“Is that an order, sir?”

“Yes.”

“Fine then.”

 

* * *

 

The first thing Kuroko was tagged to on Facebook that day was his superior’s very first status.

_From now on, I preach all vampires to befriend the humans as how I have done with my human secretary. Feel free to interact with him_

Kuroko had over 3000 friend requests within an hour and his phone completely crashed that night.

The next morning during his usual Tuesday breakfast with Kagami, Kuroko was asked by his loyal friend, “Kuroko, why did this vampire send me a friend request?”

“How should I know?”

“It said you guys are mutuals.”

Kuroko wanted to bury his face in his pancake stack, “I’m pretty sure I’m the mutual human friend to every forsaken vampire in this world. So please don’t rub it in.”

In the busy diner, Kagami gave his best friend a good pat in the back.

“It’s your own fault for introducing the big guy to the social media.”

Kuroko groaned, “Exactly. If he’s like this with just FB, twitter and tumblr, I don’t know what he’ll do with his insta and snapchat.”

Kagami sipped his coffee.

It was quiet between them. Until, Kagami sighed.

“You taught him how to use those too huh?”

Kuroko literally slammed his forehead on the table, “..yes.”

 

* * *

 

## Entry #213

_Someone please destroy the internet and all evidence of the company photo._

_Also destroy memes._

 

* * *

 

Kuroko froze the moment he came through the elevator of the fortieth floor.

“What. On. Earth. Are you wearing. On your head, sir?”

Akashi was standing at Midorima’s desk, posing with his assistant for a selfie. Midorima may seem uptight but he was sporting when it came to taking photos. Back to the matter at hand, there was another green head beside the green-haired assistant.

“Ah, Kuroko. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I’m starting to regret coming in today actually.”

Akashi’s eyes were sparkling as he approached his human secretary, “I purchased this last night and it arrived this morning.”

Kuroko couldn’t take his eyes off the green abomination nesting on his superior’s head, “What is it?”

“It’s a hat. I heard it was...rare.”

“Oh my god.”

“Daiki showed me a handful of the in-trend memes yesterday. It was fascinating.”

Kuroko lifted his palm, “Hold that thought.” He peeked over Akashi’s side, “Midorima, where is Aomine?”

“10th floor, Workers’ Lounge.”

“Thank you. May I borrow your ancient silver vampire dagger?”

Midorima threw the sheathed dagger across the room. Kuroko caught it easily.

“Wipe the blood later. It’s today’s lucky item.”

“Gotcha.”

Kuroko went back into the elevator and smiled at Akashi, “You look very nice, sir. I’ll be back.”

When Kuroko was gone, Akashi tilted his head, “Did I do something to offend him? Are memes offensive?”

Midorima could only sigh. They’ve been sighing a lot lately.

 

* * *

 

“OKAY TETSU, PLEASE CALM DOWN.”

The blade shone beneath the dim lights of the lounge, “I’ll calm down after I decapitate you, Aomine.”

“Look, it wasn’t my fault! His tumblr was so boring! I can’t have a boss who has a lousy tumblr page!”

Kuroko’s face twisted with confusion, “Why do you even care?!”

“He’s  _the_  Akashi! Every vampire stalks him! Besides, I showed him one meme. ONE.”

The human secretary sighed, “And it had to be the accursed green frog. Thank you very much.”

“It’s not as bad as you think.”

“Really? Our boss is upstairs, wearing a Pepe frog hat, declaring its ‘rarity’ and today is the company photoshoot..!”

Kuroko let that sink in for Aomine. When it did, the vampire groaned aloud and stressed out, “Ooooh myyyy goooood”

 

* * *

 

Kise stood next to Kuroko, “C’mon, Kurokocchi. It’s the last frame. Please put on a smile?”

Suddenly, almost all the vampires turned towards Kuroko, put on a pouty face, and begged just like Akashi did, “Puh-lease Kuroko?”

“I hate all of you.”

The cameraman lifted his hand, “Ready? 1....2....3! Say cheese!”

“Cheeese~!”

 

* * *

 

“Kuroko just one more.”

“No.”

“Puh-“

Kuroko literally slammed his palm over Akashi’s face, “Don’t. You. Dare.”

“-ish just one picshure” muffled the vampire.

When Kuroko retreated his hand, Akashi was smiling earnestly, “I promise you. Last picture.”

“…..fine.”

With the phone high in the air, Kuroko sighed as his superior took a selfie of just the two of them.

 

* * *

 

Later that night, Midorima brought the prints into Akashi’s office. Most of the vampires had retreated for the week. Kuroko, of course, left the office every day after sunset.

“Have you chosen which picture you want to use for the catalogue and the website?”

Akashi smiled as he swiped the loot he had acquired in his gallery, “Just choose the one where everyone looks happy and inviting.”

“Kuroko isn’t smiling in any of them.”

“It’s not his fault. Especially since everyone followed my example earlier.” chuckled the vampire.

As Midorima chose a decent company picture, Akashi serenely stared at the selfie in his phone. Despite the ridiculous hat he had on his head, Kuroko looked happy beside him. It was the only picture in which Kuroko actually smiled.


	3. Volume 2-3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much fluff. Enjoy~

## Entry #344

_It’s nice to see Kagami come by the office so frequently nowadays. Screaming and all._  

 

* * *

Kuroko and Midorima worked silently on their shared desks, side by side on their respective desktops. The top floor was usually calm and serene since neither of them talked much unless necessary.

“He’s being awfully quiet in there, Kuroko.” Midorima said as he looked back to Akashi’s office tinted door.

The human shrugged, “He’s not exactly a chatterbox.”

“Not that. I meant he’s not writing anything or sitting on his chair.”

“I forgot you could listen to him. What is he doing then?”

“Standing on a stool I believe.”

Kuroko’s eyes drifted away from the screen, “In the middle of the room?”

Midorima sounded surprised, “How did you know that?”

The human ignored the green head and picked up the receiver beside him. Once connected, he asked the person on the other line, “Kise, are you and Aomine still at the food joint?”

**_“Queuing! We’re next though. Why Kurokocchi?”_ **

“Get some extra teriyaki burgers. Kagami is coming.”

**_“Again? That’s the third time this month! Okie dokie! We’ll be back in 20.”_ **

“See you then.”

Midorima frowned at Kuroko, “Why did you tell them to get more food?”

Kuroko simply pointed his finger upwards. Right on cue, the fire sprinklers on the ceiling turned on, accompanied by the relentless ringing of the fire alarm.

“That’s why.”

One firetruck and 40 floors later, Kagami was screaming in Akashi’s office for the third time that month.

“CAN YOU NOT PURPOSELY TRIGGER THE FIRE ALARM?! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU-!”

“In my defense, I was merely testing the length of your human fire security-”

“THREE TIMES IN A MONTH?!!”

Akashi rubbed his chin, “I was going for ten times actually.”

Kagami turned to Kuroko who was also standing in the office after forcing Akashi to get down and taking the lighter from his hand earlier, “HOW DO YOU FUNCTION UNDER HIM EVERY DAY?!”

Kuroko shrugged indifferently. 

The sprinklers were turned off and the whole office was wet. Literally. 

Kagami sighed out his frustration. Oh the perks of working at the nearest fire station to where Kuroko worked.

Midorima handed Kagami a clean white towel to dry off.

The firefighter ruffled his hair in it when he suddenly caught sight of Akashi stripping Kuroko until he was half naked.

“Oi oi the hell are you doing to Kuroko?!”

Akashi paused mid way from unbuttoning his secretary’s pants while on his knees, “Helping him to dry himself. Kuroko caught a cold when he refused to take off his clothes last time.”

Kagami was looking at Kuroko with a gaping mouth but Kuroko did nothing to object Akashi. If anything, he used Akashi’s shoulder as leverage to get his legs out of his drenched pants.

Akashi simply discarded Kuroko’s clothes to one side of the room before wrapping Kuroko’s almost naked form with a large fluffy towel.

“Now then, the time that you took to get here, is impeccable but could still be improved.”

Kagami almost flailed his hands, “Are you serious? You’re telling me this while you’re- What ARE you doing?”

Akashi was casually walking to one of his white walls, pushing it to reveal a secret closet of some sort. 

He pulled out one set of clean and crisp suit and tie, “You could change your route to get here. I believe using the 5th junction would cut your time by 3 seconds.”

“I can’t believe we’re still talking about me. How did you know I didn’t follow the 5th junction?! No wait. Answer this first. What the hell are you doing?” Kagami continued to ask with gestured hands. 

Akashi made Midorima hold the hangar as he pulled out the white dress shirt and pants. 

“Did you hear what I say?” Akashi questioned while eyeing the human fireman.

“Yeah yeah use the 5th junction. Oh my god. Are those for Kuroko?”

Akashi left the rhetorical question alone as he allowed Kuroko to get dressed in his new dry clothes. 

“Why does he have Kuroko’s clothes in the secret closet?”

Midorima pushed up his glasses, “They’re of the same stature. The suit must belong to Akashi.”

“Nope, it’s Kuroko’s. I had them tailor made last week for this kind of situation.” Akashi corrected from where he was fixing Kuroko’s tie.

Midorima’s eyebrows scrunched, “Why are you pampering him?”

“Not pampering. Caring. And a return favor. He always does this for me on a daily basis.”

“He strips you down to your boxers?!” Kagami nearly shouted.

Kuroko deadpanned, “You’re talking to an idiot, Akashi.” 

“I see the charm Daiki and Kuroko sees in you, Kagami Taiga.”

“I give up. That’s it. I’m leaving. Please DON’T trigger the alarm on purpose again.”

“Teriyaki burgers are downstairs waiting for you as compensation.” Midorima informed.

“Gee thanks. Burgers in trade of a false alarm. You don’t get that everyday.”

“Breakfast tomorrow like usual?” Kuroko asked to Kagami’s back.

“Yeah yeah like usual.”

It wasn’t so bad having Kagami at the office. Kuroko dared to say that Akashi had taken a liking to the fireman. Also, Akashi triggered the fire alarm yet again later that day. He was satisfied that Kagami still came to the office and by using the 5th junction as the vampire had suggested too. 

* * *

 

## Entry #614

_Merry Christmas. No one will ever forget this year’s christmas. Not when more than 100 adult vampires came to sit on santa’s lap. Thanks to the tofu devil._

 

* * *

“The mall? What about it?”

“Akashicchi wants to go. He always liked the lights during this time of the year but the humans always looked at us weirdly. So we haven’t been there since...20 years ago?”

Kuroko turned off his desktop, “It’s christmas this weekend. Of course there’d be lights everywhere. Besides, 20 years ago, we were still wary of you guys. It should be fine this year. I bet some vampires are even working retail jobs. Anyone else coming along?”

Aomine, having to listen to the whole conversation from the other side of the 40th floor, walked by and said, “Nah, just you and him. We got our work cut out for us. He probably did it on purpose.” before disappearing into the elevator.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kise smiled at Kuroko, “Every time we come along, he doesn’t get your full attention and that pisses him off.”

“Of course. He’s my secretary after all.” 

The blond vampire stood straight and almost fell backwards from the sudden movement, “Ah- Akashi..!”

Akashi had just walked out from his office, wearing a grey turtleneck and black jeans that hugged his body in all the right places. He could almost pass for a college student if it wasn’t for his distinct face and hair. 

“Ready, Kuroko?”

“Sure.”

* * *

“No, Kuroko, I don’t get how such a big person as this ‘Santa Claus’ could possibly fit through such a tiny entrance like regular chimneys.”

“Sir, I told you, it’s just a fairy tale.”

“We were fairy tales too.”

Point taken.

Akashi continued, “Anyway, why does he have mythical flying reindeers? Can we get them?”

“No, sir.”

Akashi looked over Kuroko’s thick layers of clothing, “Are you alright with not changing out of your suit first?”

“The coat and scarf hides them. I’m alright, it keeps me warm. What did you want to see here, sir?”

Akashi pointed at the large, fully decorated tree that could partially be seen from where they were walking outside the bustling 2-floor mall. 

“The tree is at the square. We could walk around first before we go there. They haven’t turned on the main lights yet.”

“How can you tell?”

“The star at the top. It isn’t lit.”

“I see.”

They walked around and did some window shopping. As Kuroko had predicted, there were vampires working on commission in retail stores, cooks in fast food joints, and even security. It was a big step that Kuroko had missed in his earlier years. The vampires were still frowned upon but not all humans had a narrow mind. The world was changing for a better cause. 

“Kuroko, what is that?”

“Hmm?”

Akashi was pointing to a group of people gathered in front of the food court. They walked closer until Kuroko saw the ‘santa claus’ that was accepting children to sit on his lap to listen to their wishes. Kuroko never understood the concept of feeding children’s minds with false or fictional characters.

“Can I go sit on his lap?”

“What?”

“I want to tell someone of higher human rank my wish.”

“Oh my god. You did not just say that.”

“Please?”

Kuroko saw that literally every kid was done and the santa claus was sitting, childless. Except that Akashi was no child. Then again, it was his first time at the mall and his first santa claus too. Kuroko turned to the advertisement wall scroll beside Akashi. Why was there even a guide of what to do with santa claus right where they were standing? No wonder Akashi insisted on doing it. He always liked the strange activities of humans.

Kuroko relented, “Fine but make it quick.” 

And that’s how the human secretary found himself facepalming and just trying to not get second hand embarrassment from the look on both Akashi’s face and the human cosplaying as santa claus. 

Akashi = doe eyes and probably sparkles around his face  
Santa Claus = immense fear and sudden paleness

“I have a wish that I would like to confess to you.” informed the vampire from the human’s lap.

“O-Okay. Let’s hear it.”

Before Akashi spoke, he turned to Kuroko and gestured him to go away. Unbelievable. 

Kuroko was speechless. No, it was not because Akashi didn’t want Kuroko to know about his wish. But because there was now a whole group of both humans and vampires gathered in front of him. They recognized Akashi immediately. And they were taking pictures. Some were even texting?? Calling?? Honestly, Akashi always created a commotion everywhere he went. This would probably make the headlines in tomorrow’s paper. 

“Akashi is doing such a graceful act... We must follow him.” said one lady. And there were other vampires that actually agreed what in the world- Oh god, they were lining up.

_‘Every single one of them are so stupid please god, please help me get through this job.’_

“Alright, all done.” Akashi suddenly appeared behind Kuroko. 

A whole group was about to approach the vampire but as though Akashi had powers, his single lifted hand stopped them, “I am occupied at the moment. Please leave us alone.”

Just like that, they left the santa claus booth unscathed by the public. 

“Can all vampires do that? Command others and stuff?”

“I wasn’t commanding them. Just politely declining their company and questions.”

Kuroko looked back and saw hundreds of vampires and maybe even some humans lining up to sit on santa’s lap. Again, unbelievable. How influential was Akashi?

“The lights...” Akashi whispered, catching the human off guard.

Kuroko turned to look at where Akashi’s wide eyes were staring at. He didn’t realize how close they had gotten to the square.

Right on time too. They had just turned on the decorations placed on the tree. And thanks to Akashi’s earlier display, everyone had left to give santa their wishes. 

Alone at the square, Kuroko brought Akashi as close as he could behind the red velvet ropes hooked on gold poles surrounding the base of the tree. 

Akashi was so still, taking in every detail of the large tree. It wasn’t just beautiful to him, it was stunning. All these years and he finally managed to see a properly decorated christmas tree.

Kuroko couldn’t help but smile. He had to remind himself that unlike humans who wore masks to hide their childish antiques and curiosity, vampires didn’t. Everyone should learn from them.

* * *

 

## Entry #744

_I want to download Twilight in HD and broadcast it to every vampire worldwide after tonight. Existential crisis for all vampires would be hilarious._

 

* * *

“I’m ready for it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Have you rented them?”

Kuroko nodded, “I had them sent to your house too.”

“Let’s do this.”

* * *

“WHAT IS THIS?”

“A vampire movie filled with vampire tropes of a talented author.”

“WE DO NOT SPARKLE. WHAT ABOMINATION IS THIS? WHY ARE THEY SO PALE?”

Kuroko held back his laughter, “Like I said, this movie is decades old. We had no idea what you guys were like back then.”

Akashi’s offended expression was permanently on his face throughout the first Twilight movie. And his commentary was gold.

“Why are the bad vampires walking in slow motion? Who does that?! Do I walk like that? Do any of us walk like that?”

“Am I supposed to be impressed by this?”

“We do not STARE at humans as they sleep. This is dangerously inaccurate.”

“I cannot jump that high this is preposterous.”

“Oh yeah sure. Suck the poison out of her blood. Genius.” 

“Why the hell is he half naked?”

By the end of it, Akashi’s eyebrows looked as though they would stay forever frowned. 

Kuroko pointed out, “There’s 4 more movies.”

With full hand gestures and a disgusted twist of his face, Akashi dragged out a stressful, “WHY”

**-Four movies later-**

“As much as I would love to read people’s minds and send force fields or electrocute my enemies, I really just want to live my normal powerless vampire life where there are no conflicts with the other races.”

Kuroko stretched his arms from the couch, “Do you have those vampire governments like the Cold Ones?”

“What are you talking about? I am the government.”

Akashi may have just displayed his very unique sense of humor and Kuroko may have just laughed at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT WHAT YAMI DREW FOR THIS CHAPTER  
> http://oyakorodesu.tumblr.com/post/122680334755/confessions-of-the-human-secretary-platonic


	4. Volume 4-7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff and fun~

 

## Entry #1058

_I kicked Kise’s balls today. I’m glad to know vampires and humans share the same anatomy._

_I wonder if today would have turned out differently if he was chasing me too._

 

* * *

 

“Where the hell did he go?” Aomine panted heavily from running (leaping) up the stairs.

Midorima’s eyes moved from screen to screen, “I saw him 2 minutes ago on the security camera of the 35th floor but Kise said he wasn’t there.”

“Sneaky little human” smirked the vampire.

Midorima smiled, “Always is.”

The speakers were turned on as Midorima announced,  **“This is an order. Capture Kuroko Tetsuya at all cost. The building is under lock down until the human has been captured alive. I repeat, we need him alive.”  
**

 

* * *

 

After listening to the announcement, Kuroko shook his head from inside one of the storage rooms on the 28th floor, “Idiots..”

“I think I heard something over there..!”

Kuroko peeked outside and saw the two workers he always greeted at the lobby. He wasn’t a weak human by any chance. If anything, no one observed as well as he did. And having to see all of them almost everyday provided Kuroko with sufficient information of their movements.

The human burst through the door, avoided the right hand that reached out to him and ducked to deliver good blows to their torsos. Once the vampires had fallen, Kuroko made his move to find another hiding place.

“He’s over there!”

Honestly, it was so easy to overcome those creatures.

Vampire with weak left leg? Tripped him. Slow reflexes? Passed him. Kuroko didn’t have to worry much about them. He had been through 12 floors of vampires and none even got close to touching him. 

Sooner or later, he would be captured though. He didn’t have the stamina to last long enough to make it to the emergency exit on the 2nd floor. 

Still, it was fun while it still lasted.

After about 10 more floors and at least 40 fallen vampires, Kuroko finally confronted the first purebloods. 

“Give it up, Tetsu.”

“Kurokocchi, we don’t want to hurt you.”

The human deadpanned, “None of you could even touch me, guys. What makes you think you can hurt me?”

Aomine smirked, “Akashi definitely chose the right human for the job. Kise, take him from behind.”

Kuroko could barely see Kise move so quickly to trap him in between the vampires but thanks to Aomine giving it away, the first thing Kuroko did in that split second was turn around.

Kise’s surprised eyes met Kuroko’s. The human didn’t hesitate to kick his leg up as strong as he could. Unfortunately for Kise, it was a direct hit to his open groin. 

The blond vampire cradled his private parts and tumbled down without a word but his mouth wide open.

“It’s nice to know we have the same anatomy.” mocked Kuroko.

The human didn’t even fight back when he felt Aomine’s strong arms grab him from behind. On the contrary, Kuroko finally let the fatigue get to him and leaned tiredly into his friend’s hold.

“Oi oi Tetsu!”

Midorima suddenly appeared into the room, “They got him!”

Aomine had to slip to the floor and sit with Kuroko in between his legs because Kuroko’s completely gave out. 

“Greenie I don’t think he’s doing so good.”

“Of course he isn’t. He ran and hid for a total of 6 hours and also punched 48 vampires in the face and stomach.” Midorima stared at Kise’s fallen form, “And apparently elsewhere too.”

“Sorry Kise.” offered Kuroko without any remorse.

Midorima walked around the blond vampire and knelt in front of Kuroko, “We trust you Kuroko. Akashi trusts you. You’ve worked with us for a few years now. So tell me. Why did you do it?”

Kuroko wistfully looked into Midorima’s eyes, “I-”

“What is going on here?” 

Every vampire in the room froze.

“Why did I have to enter the building using the emergency exit? 2 weeks I leave you all in the building and you have a lock down? What happened? Where’s my human secretary? Did someone eat him?”

Kuroko raised his hand weakly, “Human secretary alive and well, sir.”

Akashi navigated to the soft voice and tilted his head, “Why is Kuroko so tired? Did you all play a game?”

“Cat and mouse, sir.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“It was.”

Midorima sighed and pointed at Kuroko, “Stop talking.” And turned to their superior, “Akashi, you left the accounts to be handled by Kuroko a month ago.”

“Yes I did.”

“Yesterday I discovered that one quarter of our savings have been transferred to various accounts for the past 2 weeks.”

It should be like glass breaking but Akashi was completely lost.

“And you’re telling me this affects us...how?”

Midorima flailed his arms, “A quarter! Kuroko has been using our money for anonymous reasons!”

“Not anonymous reasons, Shintaro.”

Akashi casually slipped his hands into Kuroko’s armpits only to help him stand up from the ground. He spoke to Kuroko alone, “I need you to accompany me to dinner tonight with the Mamori Corp. We can get one milkshake on the way there.”

“I would gladly follow, sir.”

“Good. Now, why didn’t you tell them about the money?”

“I told you sir, the game was fun.”

Aomine frowned, “Hello! Still lost here!”

Akashi smiled for every vampire in the room to see, “I gave Kuroko permission to use the money for everyone’s necessities. We’ve never used the money for anything so I thought it would be a nice change to give back. I’m actually surprised he’s only used a quarter.”

Kise who just recently recovered, stood on shaky legs, “Wait.. You mean, the new chairs? Showers? Emergency blood packs? Coffee machine...?”

Kuroko nodded.

Midorima rubbed his temples, “We chased you for 6 hours, Kuroko. 6 hours.”

The human smiled, “It’s alright. At least now you know you need to work on your human hunting skills.”

“None of them caught you?” Akashi snickered.

“Nope. Aomine doesn’t count because I gave up running.” 

“Looks like we lost to the human today.” The room laughed along with Akashi.

Kuroko later tailed after Akashi obediently. He thought about what Akashi said and responded in his head,  _‘That’s because you weren’t part of the chase.’_  but kept it to himself. 

 

* * *

 

## Entry #1569

_The Tofu Devil can predict a lot of things. But he definitely can’t predict us.  
_

 

* * *

 

Ever since Kuroko started working under Akashi, the superior vampire had been able to mingle well with the humans. Thus, more contracts were made and more ‘human’ meeting invites were answered with favorable responses.

Kuroko would never admit to being a mama bird for Akashi but he does keep a very close track of when the vampire puts tofu into his stomach.

Akashi had impressively replaced his monthly blood diet to daily consumption of tofu. How does a vampire survive on mainly tofu? Kuroko will never know. 

Depending on the portion of tofu Akashi ate, Kuroko could predict the exact amount of hours he could last before he got hungry again.

The current meeting Akashi was attending was at a hotel 2 hours away from the office. In about 2 hours 15 minutes, the tofu he had had that morning for breakfast with Kuroko would be fully digested and he would turn into a cranky monster, crying tofu everywhere. Okay, that was an exaggeration but cranky Akashi was uncooperative in business dealings. 

Kuroko glanced at his wristwatch, “We don’t have time. If I don’t go now, he may lose a good deal.”

“Kuroko stop talking to yourself and stop shaking the table with your anxious body vibration.” insisted Midorima who was sitting next to him.

“Midorima I need to use a company car.”

“Take whichever. Wait, why? Where are you going?”

“If I don’t go now and send Akashi some tofu, he is going to turn into a monster-”

“-crying tofu everywhere?” finished the vampire.

“Yes.”

“I’m coming with you.”

On the way to the garage, Kise chased after them, “Where you two going?”

Kuroko briefly explained, “Going back to my house to prepare some tofu soup-”

“For Akashicchi?”

“Yes.”

“Wait! We can ask Aominecchi to get some! He’s at the downtown food street. I can call him to get some tofu soup from Akashicchi’s fav store! Then we can go pick him up straight and send it to Akashicchi!”

Midorima contemplated in two seconds, “That’s actually not a bad idea. Ok you’re coming too.”

“Yay~!”

10 minutes later, Aomine joined them in the purple company jeep. 

Aomine slammed his door and passed the packed soup to Kise, “I can’t believe we’re actually going to drive there to send him tofu soup.”

Kuroko nodded, “Good deals may be at stake if we don’t feed him.”

“Got it got it.”

_-2 hours later @ The Hotel-_

Kuroko kicked the meeting room door open with his trusted vampires around him. Kise politely shouted, “We interrupt this meeting to bring Akashi Seijuro out of the premise~!”

Everyone in the meeting hall just...stared at the four of them. 

Akashi smiled at his men, stood up from his chair noisily to bring the attention to him, “If you’ll excuse me for 10 minutes, gentlemen.”

No one said anything. Even after Akashi closed the door behind him.

“Why are the four of you here?”

Aomine shoved him the packed soup, “Tetsu was worried sick about your stomach.”

“I was not.” protested the human.

One sniff and he knew it, “Is this....tofu soup?”

“Yeah! What else would it be?” Kise answered cheerfully.

“You came all this way to send me soup?”

Midorima pushed up his glasses, “Certainly.”

Akashi’s smile was small and his eyes gentle as he clutched onto the container Aomine had given him.

Kuroko found them a quiet place to eat near the entrance. Akashi ate so politely and attentively. They could see a soft glow on their superior’s face with each slurp. 

Leaving Akashi felt a little awkward but the meeting wouldn’t end until 9pm so they really had to leave. 

Kuroko fixed Akashi’s tie, “I’m sorry for coming unannounced but I cannot let your stomach jeopardize anything you worked so hard for, sir.”

“You four really went beyond my expectation.”

“Well, we are your best men.”

The vampire grasped the human’s hands and genuinely said, “Thank you, Kuroko.”

Kuroko let the words and Akashi’s expression sink in. It was the first time, that Akashi meant it. This wasn’t gratitude based on work, this was gratitude based on care and trust.

The human left the hotel feeling...appreciated. 

 

* * *

 

## Entry #1687

_I feel like every day of this decade is going down in history. One hundred years from now, people would have to read about the Suds Flood meme on Vine.  
_

 

* * *

 

Akashi stared at his washing machine. Kuroko had used it twice before during his work-related sleepovers but Akashi never paid much attention on how to use it. He usually had his clothes dry cleaned at the store near his house.

Curiosity got the better of the vampire. He followed the instructions on the label of the detergent and proceeded to wash his underwear and pants.

 

* * *

 

Kuroko answered his phone casually, “Hello?”

_“KUROKO YOUR VAMPIRE DID IT AGAIN!”_

The human wanted to facepalm at hearing Hyuuga’s voice, “Oh god, what now?”

_“HE FLOODED HIS WHOLE HOUSE WITH SUDS.”_

“Do whatever you can to minimize the press. I don’t need every vampire in the nearby neighborhood following his example.”

_“Too late, 7 suds flood have been reported in numerous neighborhoods.”_

“God damn it. Never mind, just keep on trying to minimize the press.”

Kuroko ended the call with the reporter and sighed. He then opened his notifications. He was tagged on so many social networks already. Instinctively, he opened Vine and played the first vine on top. It was by Akashi of course who had just posted it 3 minutes ago but already had a few hundred thousand loops.

The 6-second video consisted of Akashi showing how much detergent he dumped into the washing machine and was then cut off to Akashi smiling like an excited child as his face (and whole house) was covered in suds. You could literally only see his stupid smile other than white suds everywhere. 

Kuroko seriously needed to punch something really hard. 

The newspaper headlines the next day were ‘The Suds Flood meme trending’. How original. 

 

* * *

 

## Entry #2223

_That game can get you fired if you play it with the Tofu Devil.  
_

 

* * *

 

Kuroko was a little late to their little sleepover. For once, it wasn’t work-related and Kagami was invited too. The only reason why he was late was because he had to get the food and refreshments. Vampires were picky with human stuff. He had to go to 3 different stores to get the right drinks for everyone.

When he arrived at Akashi’s house, he expected a warm welcome, not screams and shouts bouncing off the walls.

Kagami did say he was bringing over his console, multiplayer controller inputs and various color controllers but Kuroko didn’t expect them to get so hyped up.

Once he put the food and drinks away, he finally heard the sound effects of the game. Of course it would be Mario Kart.

“Yo Tetsu.” greeted Aomine when Kuroko sat next to him.

The ones playing were Akashi, Midorima, Kagami and Kise. 

“How’s the game going?”

“It’s just the first round. Akashi’s in the lead but greenie is kicking the other two’s asses.”

“Hey!” shouted Kagami and Kise in sync.

“Greenie still in last place though.”

Kuroko saw Midorima smirk out of the corner of his eyes.

The human turned to the screen and whispered, “Oh no.”

The spiny shell was tossed and directly hit Akashi’s cart. 

The vampire was so upset that he stood up and shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK SHINTARO YOU PIECE OF *******”

Everyone just....silently stared at Akashi. With wide eyes.

“KUROKO DID HE JUST FUCKING BLUE SHELL ME?!”

“Yes, sir. Yes he did.”

“I WILL BITE YOU AND SUCK YOU DRY YOU LITTLE *******”

With renowned passion, Akashi continued racing in silence. 

Aomine slowly turned to Kuroko for an explanation.

“We read the encyclopedia of ‘sentence enhancers’ or more specifically, curse words last night.”

Akashi got bombed by Kagami.

“ _Haista paska! Sial kau Kagami!_ ”

And then immediately bombed by Kise.

“ _KISE DU SCHEIßKOPF!_ YOU’RE FIRED FROM MY COMPANY!” 

“But Akashicchi--!” 

Kagami directed his shouting at Kuroko, “HE JUST SWORE TO KISE IN GERMAN KUROKO DAFUQ?!”

Kuroko cleared his throat, “I’m sorry but we read all 23 versions of the encyclopedia, which means 23 different languages.”

“How much free time did you have last night?!” questioned Midorima.

“He sped read everything. I just helped with pronunciation.”

Akashi was suddenly blue-shelled by both Kagami and Kise simultaneously, " _PUTANGINA NIYONG MGA HAYOP KAYO_!!"

In the end, Akashi won 4 times in a row, no one was fired or sucked dry and everyone forbade Kuroko from letting Akashi read such...vulgar books in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are the translations to Akashi’s potty mouth:
> 
> Haista paska! (Finnish) - Screw you!  
> Sial kau Kagami! (Malay / Indonesian) - Damn you Kagami!  
> KISE DU SCHEIßKOPF! (German) - KISE YOU SHITHEAD!  
> PUTANGINA NIYONG MGA HAYOP KAYO! (Filipino) - YOU MOTHER******* ANIMALS!
> 
> Personal thanks to sianascera@tumblr for helping me with the german ;w; And also flamingdongsaeng@AO3 for the filipino cursing wwwww


	5. Volume 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to kick things up a notch~

 

## Entry #2411

_I do not see the appeal in aesthetic purposes. Who even taught him that? Why did he even thought that filling the office with different things each floor be called ‘aesthetic’? How did he even get the floors to be filled in one night?_

_On the good side, the cheesy 12th floor was easy to clean. It blended well with the nachos on the 11th floor. Aesthetic-ly well._

 

* * *

 

When Kuroko entered the lobby to see every vampire in a panicked state, he wondered if Akashi had accidentally ordered and shipped wild animals to the office again. Luckily the lionesses didn’t find vampire meat too delicious. Heck, the lionesses cuddled around Akashi upstairs in his office. 

Okay, weird flashback aside, Kuroko focused back to the situation at hand.

There was a vampire covered with a certain type of sauce, washing his eyes at the lobby water fountain. There were other weirdly covered vampires even bathing in it. Why was there a vampire licking his fingers that was covered with white cream? Oh it was whipped cream. Kuroko could smell it.

Even so, Kuroko was still very confused by everything. Even after years of working under the same company, there were always new and exciting events happening every time he step foot into the building.

The human secretary sighed, “Alright, I’ve had enough.” Kuroko pointed to a vampire who was not affected by any type of sauce or cream, “You. What happened?”

“W-We don’t know! We were all forced to go home yesterday and when we came back this morning, we got on the elevators but-”

“But?”

“All our floors are--!! Filled with things!”

Kuroko scanned the lobby again, “Every floor was different?”

“Yes..! And since the elevator automatically brings us to all the floors we pressed the button to, we couldn’t escape the sauces and food!”  

Kuroko’s face remained blank, “As much as I understand what you’re saying, it doesn’t excuse that it sounds absolutely ridiculous.”

“It’s the truth!!”

“Alright alright, have you seen the boss?”

“No.. maybe he’s in his office.”

Kuroko sighed, “Ok thanks.”

The human secretary found the elevators fully functional for some reason. He stopped by a few floors just to access how bad the damage was. 

Vampires could be so over dramatic sometimes. The floor with sauces? It wasn’t even flooding the floor. It was just-- dripping off the ceiling and whatnot. Idiots were even saving some in buckets. Same thing goes for chocolate floor, whipped cream floor, thousand island floor and so on and so forth.

The nachos floor was conveniently below the cheese floor too. No wonder some of the vampires had nachos with them as they sat on their own work tables.

Getting to the 40th floor was easier than Kuroko had expected. But actually being on the 40th floor made Kuroko regret his decision. It was the only floor that was half filled, with colourful balls? Seriously?

The elevator Kuroko was in was instantly filled with a variety of balls. It was a gigantic ball pit. What. The. Fuck.

Kuroko walked into the ball pit and tried to not be too overwhelmed since it almost reached his neck. He could see Midorima, shoulder upwards with his laptop on the sea of balls.

“It’s good to see you made it to the office Kuroko.”

“..thank you? You seem pretty alright with the situation.’

“Most of us are. This isn’t the worse that he’s accomplished.”

“What about the vampires screaming downstairs?”

“Allergies.”

“Ah.”

Kuroko looked around them as Midorima continued typing into his laptop.

“So…where is he?”

Suddenly, the ball pit burst in one corner of the office. Out emerged an excited vampire, “Kuroko..! So wonderful you made it upstairs!”

“Sir, what on Earth compelled you to fill up every floor with different…things?”

Akashi beamed at the question, “Aesthetic.”

Kuroko legitimately facepalmed himself, “You know what? That’s it, I’m quitting.”

“I disapprove~!” clarified Akashi proudly. After reading what he could and could not do as the president of the company, he started being more assertive in fields and matters he knew he could intervene with.

Midorima chuckled at Kuroko, “If you think this is bad, you should’ve seen the shit fight. Took us two months to get rid of the smell.”

Kuroko shook his head, “I rather not know about the shit fight.”

Akashi casually threw a ball to Midorima’s head, “Faeces, Shintarou, faeces.”

“Please stop saying shit and its pseudo names. I really really rather not know about the shit fight.” pleaded Kuroko.

“Don’t worry, the shit fight happened a long ti-“

Midorima received another harmless throw to his head by Akashi, “He said to stop talking about it.”

All of a sudden, there was another burst of balls from behind Kuroko, revealing blond hair and a puppy face, “Did someone say shit fight?”

Kise had two balls thrown to his face by both the president and vice president simultaneously.

Kuroko wondered how casual the vampires were with life since no one complained about the cleaning up later that evening. Honestly, what is with them?

 

* * *

 

## Entry #2499

_After all these years, he’s still not used to the amount of tofu the Tofu Devil consumes. Unbelievable._

_Also, he and Aomine ate the same barbecue sauce. Could’ve sworn Kagami only liked ketchup._

 

* * *

 

Kuroko walked down the frozen protein aisle, eyeing various cuts of beef.

“How ‘bout sliders?” Kagami suggested from beside him.

Kuroko shrugged, “Easy to make. I can probably alter the recipe again and make a tofu version.”

“Is ‘that’ guy’s stomach the only stomach you’re thinking about?”

“Hard not to when he literally doesn’t eat anything else.”

Kuroko picked up a few packets of ground beef, squishing its contents in an effort to tell which would be a better choice. He eventually went with a lesser known brand pack and proceeded to take 30 packs of it, “Sauce?”

“Barbeque. Aomine prefers that over mushroom. Kise likes mustard. Midorima…doesn’t really care?”

“He does. He likes black pepper. And tomatoes.”

“What about you?”

The question made Kuroko stop pushing the trolley, “I don’t really know. Maybe a salad and some thousand island. Sliders aren’t really my type of food.”

“At our age, it shouldn’t be.”

Kuroko laughed a little at the statement, “You’re joining us tonight, aren’t you?”

“Duh. I am never leaving you with those blood suckers for another sleepover. Not after that night.”

“It was one time and it happened over 3 years ago.”

“Good enough reason for me to always be with you during sleepovers then.”

Kuroko nodded to himself as he looked over the half-filled trolley, “Enough ingredients for 40 sliders, we have a few bags of chips, and cheese, and microwave pizzas. We need some buns and drinks. But first-“

When Kuroko pushed the trolley straight and made a left turn into that one section they both knew all too well, Kagami almost groaned out loud, “You just bought those 3 days ago!”

Kuroko smiled at the worker, “20 blocks of tofu please.”

“Who the hell even eats that much tofu in 3 days?!” continued Kagami.

With mocking eyes, Kuroko turned to his best friend, “Says the person who can eat 40 burgers in one sitting.”

“That’s different!”

Kuroko rolled his eyes, “Uh-huh. Sure it is.”

 

* * *

  

It had become a tradition of some sort; close friends and colleagues sleeping over at Akashi’s mansion. Once on the first Saturday of every month, they would gather at the vampire’s house for Kuroko’s human food and later sleeping in a puppy pile. As Akashi had explained to Kuroko before, vampires don’t need sleep. However, they could do so if they wanted to.

Humans slept to recover their energy. Vampires slept because they could if they wanted to. Sleeping didn’t do much for them since they already have high metabolism. Akashi didn’t respond clearly though when Kuroko asked about excessive usage of energy for them. Would it incline them to sleep? They will never know since no vampire had been heard of ‘working too hard’.

Kuroko and Kagami usually made dinner together in Akashi’s kitchen while everyone settled in at the living room. Due to multiple mishaps, all and any vampire was forbidden from entering the kitchen while the humans were cooking.

They never complained because Kagami and Kuroko provided delicious human delicacies. And they ate heartily despite looking like they didn’t have a big appetite. All of them had reduced their consumption of blood. Almost nil actually after discovering that plenty of human food not only provided satisfaction to their diet but also helping to enhance their previously bland palette.

The sliders were a huge hit as they watched a spectacular basketball game and a vampire court case.

Kuroko passed Akashi another tofu burger. The vampire usually ate 3 portions if Kuroko made him tofu sliders. Kise had 4 regular beef sliders smothered with mustard. Midorima had 3 with an even drizzle of Kuroko’s homemade black pepper sauce in between the buns. Aomine and Kagami both had 10 sliders each with generous barbecue sauce and cheese. Kuroko, as he had said, made a salad for himself. He added a few pieces of patty though and some hard boiled eggs.

Spread out in the living room, they laughed and happily ate, as how they always did for the past few years.

By 10, the plates were cleared and they played rock paper scissors to see who would be doing the dishes. Kise and Midorima lost.

Kagami and Aomine remained on the couch and continued watching various basketball programs. Ever since the vampires and dhampirs came in, the sports invented by the humans were overrun with them. Not that anyone was complaining because it was sort of exhilarating to watch the non-humans play. They never got too tired either so matches for non-humans lasted for hours.

Kuroko left the two idiots alone and visited the kitchen to make sure Midorima and Kise didn’t break anything. They had developed a system of some sort already; Midorima washed the dishes while Kise wiped them clean and sorted them back to where they belong.

Satisfied, Kuroko made his way to the stairs where he met Akashi halfway.

“Done for the night?”

“Yes, sir. I’m just going to shower a bit.”

Akashi smiled, “Good. I’ll lay out the futons.”

When they had sleepovers, Akashi would retire to his room while everyone stayed downstairs in the living room on fluffy futons and dozens of pillows. Sometimes they would make so much noise and force Akashi to join them too. After all, vampires didn’t sleep and Kagami was used to pulling all-nighters. There were times when Kuroko could stay up too but he never made it past 4am.

From the way Kuroko felt his muscles ache in the shower, he was sure he wouldn’t last past 12. After drying himself and wearing the pajamas he kept in Akashi’s spare closet, Kuroko took out his journal from his bag. He had purposely left it in the closet earlier so no one could see it. Kuroko wrote a short summary of what happened throughout the day.

Writing in his journal was a habit since he was small and he never regretted it. It was fun going through his past journals. An hour later, he kept his journal and went downstairs.

Kagami was already sleeping. On top of Aomine. On the couch. Kuroko was suspicious of them for a few months already. Seeing Aomine relaxed and awkwardly changing the channels to avoid waking the firefighter, Kuroko gave Aomine a thumbs up. They had his blessing.

“Screw you, Tetsu.”

Kuroko lifted his hands, “I’m not the human you’re screwing, Aomine.”

A pillow flew across the room from the couch and Kuroko readily accepted it with a chuckle. Kise and Midorima joined Aomine and Kagami at the living room soon after. Meanwhile, Kuroko made sure the kitchen was properly attended to.

Kitchen was spotless actually. Returning from it with a glass of water, Kuroko saw a silhouette of Akashi going up the stairs. Guess it was time for bed.

Kagami was a heavy sleeper and nothing woke him up unless it was the fire alarm at the station. He barely had enough sleep so when he went under, it was difficult to resurface unless the situation demanded it.

Which was why when Kise, Aomine and Midorima would not stop talking and bickering, Kagami remained asleep. Kuroko on the other hand, couldn’t sleep. He never liked to shush the group since he would eventually fall asleep anyway. But for some reason, sleep didn’t come as easily that night.

Kuroko tossed and turned with his eyes closed in the middle of the pile. The vampires didn’t really mind him. They thought he was asleep.

The human was so tired and forcing himself to sleep just made him more and more restless.

He did fall asleep for a few minutes but Kise’s laughter woke him back up. Following that incident, Kuroko never found asleep again/

It was almost an hour of trying and failing to fall asleep before he heard the vampires suddenly stopped talking.

“Akashicchi~!” chimed Kise.

Aomine added, “It’s about time.”

Akashi had come downstairs.

“You imbeciles are hopeless.” Kuroko heard Akashi say.

The human drowsily opened his eyes only to feel arms snaking under his legs and back.

Kuroko made a questioning noise as he was lifted up bridal style, his face leaning onto soft cotton. It smelled of Akashi.

“Humans require sleep. Please be more responsible when your own human is trying to get some rest.”

There were a chorus of apologies but it faded as Akashi carried Kuroko away. He was too sleepy to complain. Akashi’s bed upstairs was heavenly and the pillow was just the right amount of fluff.

Kuroko could hear Akashi lying next to him, their bodies facing each other.

Akashi, of course, had late night questions. He loved asking Kuroko questions before Kuroko fell asleep because he knew that was when Kuroko was most honest with his answer. One time, Akashi got Kuroko to swear at him for asking too many questions.

“Kuroko?”

“Yes, sir.” He replied readily.

“Why are names so significant for you humans?”

The human contemplated his answer before sighing, “Names represent a person. The importance of a person in your life, no matter how insignificant the value, still has a name you would address them by.”

“Does the significance of value for a person make me inclined to address them with a more valuable name when they are important to me?”

God Akashi’s wording was hard to interpret when Kuroko was on the verge of sleep.

But Kuroko understood anyways, “Yes..”

“You are important to me.”

Kuroko opened his eyes. In the dark, he could barely see Akashi. But Kuroko smiled.

“Thank you…Akashi. You are important to me too..”

The human fell asleep, oblivious of how he had addressed the vampire he’d been calling ‘Sir’ all these years.

“Good night…” Akashi touched Kuroko’s sleeping face, “..Tetsuya.”

 

* * *

 

## Entry #2500

_Nothing much happened today. Well, my name got promoted. It feels nice. I don’t think anyone has ever called me by that name in full. Also, thanks to Kagami, I can’t believe I’m doing this._

_Christening the Tofu Devil’s name in my journal for the first time. So long Tofu Devil, hello Akashi Seijuro._

 

* * *

 

Kuroko woke up to a cold morning. The toasty blanket made it cosy though. He was so tempted to sleep in. Kuroko lingered on the bed for a good 10 minutes before properly sitting up and stretching himself.

Akashi came into the room, dressed in casual pants and a shirt. His hair was wet and there was a towel around his neck.

Kuroko smiled at him.

Akashi smiled back, “Good morning, Tetsuya.”

The human’s eyes widened and his smile fell. All of a sudden, he remembered what Akashi asked about the night before. He wasn’t offended by the change of name calling but more so, he was shocked to hear it.

It didn’t…feel bad though. Actually, it felt pleasant.

Akashi’s face never faltered at seeing Kuroko’s initial reaction. Because he knew what Kuroko would call him from then on.

Kuroko’s smile finally returned and it looked more sincere than it did before, “Good morning, Akashi.”

 

* * *

 

Kagami ate his pancakes heartily while Kuroko enjoyed his hard boiled eggs.

“Dude, I know eggs are good for your health, but please get some real food in you.”

Kuroko retorted, “You’re saying that like eggs are fake food. Akashi would never judge me. You’re gonna get crossed off the ‘Best Lunch Buddy’ award if you keep this up.”

Kagami was halfway from another fork of pancakes before he stopped dead. Heck, he even dropped the fork with a stunned face, staring at Kuroko.

Kuroko sighed, “Is the award that important to you? Are you that shock you’re losing to a vampire?”

“…no..no that’s not it..you… You just said his name.”

Kuroko shrugged indifferently.

“For the first time. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say his name. Oh god you finally said his name!”

“That is not the first time I ever said his name.”

Kagami sat up straight, “Kuroko, I may be an airhead at times but I’m not deaf and my memory is good enough to remember the past decade. Trust me, you have NEVER said his name.”

Kuroko was starting to feel a little warm inside, he secretly knew where Kagami was going with this, “Will you stop making a big deal out of it?”

The firefighter pushed his hair back, “Holy shit, it took you THIS long to call him by his name? Wow. Wait, have you ever even wrote his name in your journal?”

“Of course I-…” Kuroko paused.

The silence made it clear for Kagami.

“Woah. He must really mean something. I know how important names are for you. And to think you’ve never addressed him properly because of how much he mea-“

Kuroko stood up from his seat to cover Kagami’s mouth.

“..please stop talking.”

The last time Kagami had seen Kuroko blush was in their past life or something. The firefighter smirked at Kuroko’s red ears.

“You must really love working there huh? I can’t complain, they treat you like family.”

Kuroko ignored Kagami and continued eating his eggs. How could Kuroko have missed it? He never realized how much the vampires had invaded his life. 

As their lunch date continued in peace with occasional small talk, Midorima and Akashi stood right outside the diner.

Midorima glanced at Akashi’s spaced out face, “Are we still going in?”

They had planned to surprise the humans with a better lunch offer at a hotel but apparently, they came at a wrong time.

After having overheard the humans’ conversation and sensing Kuroko’s flustered state, there was no way Akashi would aggravate the human.

Akashi shook his head, “It’s alright. Call Daiki and Ryouta. Tell them Kagami and Tetsuya won’t be joining us.”

As they walked away, Akashi felt a smile break on his face. Kuroko wasn’t lying about the importance of names. And Akashi was glad to have heard how important he was to his human secretary.


End file.
